When we talk about time and priorities, in the modern world we seem to value everything above love and the effort of finding the right person. The idea of prioritizing time for a significant other is now almost seen as shameful, because it is perceived as being weak, lacking a personality, interests or life purpose. Curiously enough, a person can have a full time job or study schedule, or both, multiple hobbies which they entertain daily, a workout routine, travel goals, a charitable cause, a religion to follow, friends, family and pets to spend time with, yet the same person can still be considered naive for wanting to find a partner sooner rather than later. Suddenly, especially if they are in their 20s, they are labeled as desperate and lost in life for seeking out romantic love, they are being told to find and accept themselves, as if they are not already having a rich inner and social life. If you have all these, why want more, why want a partner at all?
We are not afraid of rushing into University level education, getting a better job or taking that worldwide trip we always wanted to. Doing things on one's own is seen as the new proof of personal enlightenment and self sufficiency - ''I don't want or need anyone, therefore I am powerful and nothing can hurt me.'' We are the most socially advanced creatures on the planet, who are actually alive as the result of the connection between two people, yet we minimalise and postpone the idea of finding the right person as if it is a trivial activity to kill time with.
It used to be this way only about having children - the thought of being parents only when having a big enough house, a good enough job, sufficient education. Now, it has become the same about having a significant other - we want to find them and be found by them somewhere in our mid or late 30s, when we have become the CEO of some famous company, have made a couple of millions and have a perfect life and mind, no excuses. The thought of being accepted as a flawed human being in the process of growing, or accepting others as being that, has become almost intolerable. Love is rarely unconditional anymore, it comes with a huge list of requirements and easily offended reactions. Under the guise of having ''realistic expectations'', people start to imagine fantastic and very comfortable circumstances.
We would be thrilled to travel to another city or country for a glamorous job, but we shudder at the idea of doing that to meet the person we love or at least feel very attracted to. We would understand when an employer would ask us to put in more dedication, but we find it insulting or overly demanding if it is our partner who asks us to do that. We do not mind spending months and years searching and applying for jobs and degrees through the internet, but the thought of looking to find a significant other online or even in town is considered beneath us. In fact, we want the right person to just find us as we happen to do our weekly grocery shopping at the corner shop just 5 minutes away from our living room. We could have endless political debates, but we find it difficult to keep a daily conversation with a love interest. Business meetings could be several times a week, but romantic dates are reduced to the weekends.
It looks as if we have given up on the idea of love and see our future lifelong relationship as some sort of practical arrangement that will just appear in the most convenient and financially secure time of our life. The thought of being ''ready'' for a relationship is almost seen as a huge sacrifice of personal identity and general freedom, as if it would consume all our free time, opportunities, money, energy and friendships. Interdependency, a healthy consequence of a relationship is automatically translated to its unhealthy sibling, codependency. The illusion of absolute self reliance is entertained by the poor memory of the fact that we have always relied on people around us. Most of us were born and raised within a family, were educated and provided for by a society and were accompanied by friends and acquaintances. Yes, we are our own person, but what would we be without that imperfect family that raised and fed us, that imperfect state that gave us a highschool degree and those friends that went out in town with us and answered our phone calls and texts. The denial of partners naturally relying on eachother within a relationship is simply a fantastic desire to escape vulnerability.
The good news is that gradually, with the advancement of mental health support, awareness is being raised about the unhealthy way in which we reject emotions and social responsibility for eachother. The difficult part is that many individuals avoid the knowledge offered to them, considering it to be unimportant, unecessary. We want to design our own fate, yet we do not want to take part in the messy process of looking for the right person. Why do we even want to find a significant other, aside from the obvious sexual gratification and emotional support? I guess each person should answer that question by themselves.
I wish people would just realise their own fantasy of convenience and give themselves the chance to truly discover what they want and like and seek it out wholeheartedly, beyond practical obstacles. Sometimes it can be scary to admit to yourself that you want a real relationship now rather than 5 years down the line, but it shows that you accept yourself as a human who has emotions and social needs. A relationship has its own place in one's life and it should not be mistaken as a different type of personal need, such as the one for career accomplishment, friendships, hobbies, spirituality or alone time. Wanting to have a significant other does not make you incomplete or unhealthy or weak, I would say it is actually a sign of maturity, inner strength and authentic courageous living, as it is rather sensible to not leave any part of your life behind, so why should love have the last place and consideration given to it?
There is a sense of responsibility and urgency to live one's best life, to seize the world while being young and too often that intuition is narrowed to career goals or travelling. Has the journey of so called self discovery become a never ending procrastination so as to avoid facing uncomfortable feelings of wanting love? We would readily work to save the world but with reluctance work to save our own romantic lives.
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